My End

I’m stranded on the ocean; there is no wind in my sails.  I can see a small speck on the horizon. It’s really far off in the distance but now the fog sets in.  The fog is like smoky pillows of cotton that float above the quiet sea water.  The only sound I hear are the small waves splashing against the starboard bow.  Silence seems to be getting louder now as the wind has completely gone.  It seems as though the only thing alive around me is me.  I can hear my heart beating as I stare wide eyed at that same small speck.  I have stared at it for what seems like hours yet nothing has changed.  Is it someone who has finally found me?  Will I be released from this gloomy prison?  I cannot move from the place I am in.  Windless days have proven no luck in sight.  It’d be nice to hear a voice of someone who understands, someone who has been here before on this seemingly uncharted path.  The speck never grows any closer and my sails are still not filled.  I sit and wait, cold and empty, realizing this could be my end.

 

So Long

Hundreds of hours have passed since I last heard your voice.  With a single message you stop my heart.  I leave the message open and view the pixels on the screen.  I feel my heart swelling inside my chest and I can barely breathe.  Is the silence over?  Have you really missed me?  I sit and wonder as I watch the fan spin circles above my head.  The air feels heavier now as if my lungs have filled with sand.  I try to take a breath but the emotion is taking over me.  I respond with a single question mark hoping that maybe you will take the opportunity to talk to me.  You tell me it was an accident, really, how can that be?  I know you think about me even after so long.  What we had was remarkable, a little tainted but true.  Our children laughing and our worlds were as one.  All I can do now is walk alone,  your empty shadow by my side, replaying memories I have… of you and I.

Path of Regression

Wondering how things may be has me considering the possibilities.  There are no words to describe how your overbearing ways are reeking havoc on my heart.  Through the endless confusion I search for a sign but end up empty.  I wish that I could completely let go but my heart holds on to a life without you.  I wish I could see the two of us together, how easy it would be.  Never a worry, life without fret.  I cannot ignore my body.  My heart does not lie.  Your love for me is not penetrating the depths of my heart so I cannot feel your love no matter how hard I try.  Time may change my mind but can it change my heart?  Here I lie with my insides poured out feeling lost and alone as you walk alone on an empty path of regression.

Moon is Gone

Walking delicately I can hear my footsteps pounding loudly on the beaten path.

This direction is guiding me astray, I can hear them breathing.

I want to scream, I want to run but all I can do is watch the breaking sky as the moon starts to rise.

I have no where to go.  Each tattered piece of clothing is wearing on my heart.

Pulling me in directions my feet do not want to follow.

I ask politely to be released from its grasp, it’s too late it’s taking over.

I see my life playing out in front of me as the sky turns black.

I cannot see.  I cannot breathe.  This monster is consuming me, stealing my life.

I have nothing left, the pain is deep.

The moon is gone, I have no light.

Walking blindly I try to see, but I’m overwhelmed by the emptiness, it’s only me.

 

Day Two

Writing about my experiences with love has proven quite difficult.  I often ask myself if I truly know the meaning of “love” or am I just overindulgent and impulsive.  I tend to mislead myself and end up on paths that normal people would never find themselves down.  So how do I stay so encouraged?  Why do I live a life of fairytale in thinking that one day I may find someone that loves me like no other person has ever loved me?  I walk through empty fields of hope, knowing that somewhere amongst the vast openness there is someone waiting for me.  Someone who cannot live without me.

I take what seems like hours but are only minutes to make decisions that most take a lifetime to make.  I may be impulsive but it is my impulsivity that drives me to experience life in a way that most do not.  I take life head on.  I worry a lot about what others may think of me, but realize they truly mean nothing.  I cannot waste my heart on such nonsense when really no one has perfected the art of love.  Love is something that most try to conquer only to find themselves fall short.

Amazingly enough and completely unexpected, a man whom I have known for almost an entire year told me exactly how he felt about me.  I was taken a back at how sure of himself he was.  He knew there was not a single doubt in his mind.  He claims to have had feelings for me since the moment we met.  Ah, at last, my fairy tale!  But why do I not want it?  It took my breath away to know that someone was that affected by me that they held a secret for such a long time.  His credibility is not in question, as far as I can see he really has no reason to deceive me.  There is something that is missing, something more I long for.

Heart, please walk with me through the shadows as I embrace my fears of rejection.  I have nothing but a shell of me left and I’m not sure where to go.  Please?  I want to understand how someone who barely knows me can love me. Why can’t I love him?  What is he missing?  For a split second when looking in his eyes I can tell he is sincere.  His fears are well displayed, he shows me he cares.  Why can’t I feel when I can hear his heart beating through his chest as I hug him goodnight.  He is left longing and yearning to hear the music of our hearts playing loudly as I walk away kindly…he’s still anticipating a good night’s kiss.

Creepos and Creepers

I have had crazy stuff happen to me in the last few days.  I met a guy that seemed to be really cool but then proceeded to ask me if he could hook my breasts up to a milk machine, after telling me he was sure he could get milk out of them.  Okay so obviously I am an open minded person but that took the cake.  Who asks someone something like that?  I was able to chop that up to just pure creepo.  I decided to put that behind me.

Last night I got a call from a really creepy man.  I did not recognize the number so I let it go to voicemail.  I listened to the message and this is what it said:

Keep in mind I have no idea who this dude is nor did i go on a date with him…

Hey what’s up baby,  i really appreciate the good time last night, it was a howl.  you got a nice body, smooth times, good music,  we laughed and giggled and stuff, and um just had a really sweal time rocking it out ya know stretching it out grooving and then just having a good time like that, you know who this is?  you have the number on the caller id there you should give me a buzz back you know we had a good time let’s try to have another good time if you ever wanna do that so we’ll uh figure it out call back and we’ll rock it and um im talking to the right person so don’t think i’m not Jessica we know each other so you should be able to figure out that by now so thanks for the good time last night and loved the note you left me too, okay well gotta go.

After listening to this message again and again and again, i could not figure it out.  I was with my girls the night before and I had never met this man.  Or so I thought…. turned out to be a guy I knew when i lived in New Jersey.  He was playing a joke on me.  Not Funny.  I was seriously creeped out.

Then today the creepiness started again.  I got a text from a dude I had given him my phone number so we could continue chatting after talking for a while online.  The pictures he had posted looked nothing like the one he sent to my phone, I posted it below.  He seemed okay but then when I told him I didn’t want to talk anymore he got weird.  He would text me random things, and I would ignore them.  Today I got this text:  O Come on Jessica!  Was my texting that bad?  I’ll try to scare the shit out of you if that’s what you really want.

Yeah.  Creepy.  I don’t get it.  I do not understand why this dude decided to text me that…. so i blocked him.  I’m starting to think it is just creeper and creepo week.  The only good thing that has happened to me is meeting up with “D”  He is the only person I really want to see right now.  I am keeping his name discreet right now because he may not want me putting his name out there like that.

This is the creep.  Serial Killer!  If you know him… sorry.

So I think good things are coming my way because it can’t get much worse.  I think that 28 is going to be my year of “hate” and 29 everything will be “fine.”